A FLEET of seven polished chrome flying saucers, of foreign and possibly extraterrestrial provenance, was repelled from the airspace above the White House last evening in what officials are describing as "the most decisive border action in modern memory."
The President himself, this paper has confirmed through a source inside the rose garden, met the invading fleet personally — on foot, in his customary navy-blue business suit, armed with a single chrome ray-gun pistol of unknown calibre.
"He didn't hesitate," said a janitor identified only as Earl, who witnessed the engagement from a service entrance. "He stepped onto the grass, raised the piece, and the sky lit up like a county fair."
The first saucer reportedly fell within ninety seconds. The remaining six attempted retreat toward orbit, but were intercepted at a low altitude over Arlington and brought down piecemeal over the course of the next four minutes. Salvage teams have already secured three of the wrecks; the remainder are reported under tarpaulin pending classification.
A press conference is scheduled for noon Eastern, weather permitting and saucer activity allowing.
In a development that has surprised this reporter, the President has additionally announced the deployment of a commemorative ledger entry — a so-called "memecoin" titled $ALIENATOR — on the Solana blockchain, the technical particulars of which are detailed in the accompanying market sidebar.
The reasoning, as conveyed by the President's office, is straightforward: "If they came for the country, they came for the chain. We took both back."
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